My Story
Have you ever thought you were really alone?
Have you ever thought no one cared about you?
Have you ever gone through the whole day without eating a single bite and not realising?
Have you ever sat up at night, crying? And not being able to stop?
Depression is a horrible thing...especially when you never get over it.
Year 2008, i would say is a year i always want to forget but never can, with so many bad experiences in my life this is one the worst that nearly destroyed me. There was not a single cause of it, because there were so many affecting issues. Some new, some old. Building up a series of issues to push me over the edge to nearly losing myself forever.
I am not an out going person, reason being the way i was brought up. Always in the house, parents always working, making friends here and there but soon disappear...so soon. Moving from a place where I had friends, friends i actually liked, to a place where I could not make a single one. Any thing that happens in life always impacts you in one form or another. I lived roughly 10 miles away from my Secondary School (High School) so when it comes to hanging out with friends who lived closer to the school, it was impossible. At the end of the second year at the school, i changed schools to start my third year at one closer to home.
I am a very shy person, so when going in the first day, i never really said a word. Bad move really...with how the school worked, kids just thought i was any old student, not the new guy. So no one really bothered with me. My confidence were shot really. I was to shy, to afraid to talk anyone. I spent most of my lunch breaks just wandering around the place, in circles.
I did make some friends though, if you could call them friends that is. I bounced from one group of kids to another, all of them dicks but i would only stick to them to just have someone i could hang out with, to have a friend(s) to survive being at school. I hated them all really. Always ridiculed, always getting stabbed in the back from people i thought were better then that. You would think that is what kids usually do at school. You are right in thinking that, but its worse to have it happen when you got no one at all.
I got to the point where i just kept everything to myself. Never saying a word to anyone else. Never going out because...well i did not have anyone to go out with. I stayed home every night, playing games online, talking in online communities.... talking to anyone, just to fill that empty void of being social.
Six years after starting that school, i started college. First year, i was still the same. Still kept things to myself but still talking to the people around there. Mostly helping them with their work. Nothing more, nothing less. It was not until the second year I actually made a friend. At first it was just a friend who i would help with their work. I would like to say this was the only friend that actually decided to take an interest in me, always talking to, always contacting me. Made me smile all the time.
After a few months of getting to know him, i decide it was a good idea to actually do something outside of college. We did, watch a film at the cinema and we enjoyed ourselves. That is basically when we started out friendship.
Problem was, this was the first time i had true friend, and because of my past, I latched on over time. Became dependent on them and needy, all without realising.
When friends were not there, i always felt alone not knowing what to do with myself. But i kept going. Because i was going out more and liked it, i did not want to stop. I decided to get back with a few old friends i had (not any i met in school) and started to enjoy myself with them as well. But these friends just felt like acquaintances at the time but I made do.
Problem was, i was still feeling alone because at most times i could not do a thing with anyone, either they didn't want to see me or were to busy with other friends or things. I had a problem with having a few friends but none of them knowing each other. Some times it's difficult to find something to do with only two people.
As time went on, i felt worse and worse, not being able to cope on my own but still moving forward. As well as going through this, i was having issues with family too, but that is not something i would like to go into at this point in time. Though, one disagreement with work/family related issues made things worse.
My mind is a wonderful place, my memory is even better. The exact cause of me falling has been blurred out in my mind but the how long that will be blurred, i do not know. But as time moved on during that year, i was pushing people to their limits without realising. Pushing those i found close to me to their limits. Putting so much pressure that they could not cope at all.
I lost many friends in the past, both good and bad, but it was only this time, mainly because of my age now, and how i got these friends that i took it really badly. After losing a friend or two, apparently to no fault of my own, i just felt even more worse, pushing those who i had left even more.
You could say that true friends would be there no matter what, but that's not always the case. There is only so much people can take till they run in the other direction. Till they jump ship as you begin to sink.
Before it got to that stage, i was falling deeper and deeper. I had great difficulty sleeping, i could not eat. Because i was not eating, i felt dizzy and out of place. I was even crying night after night and not being able to stop until i fell asleep. I tried to keep myself occupied, i went to the gym to forget my troubles. Problem was that i was feeling so depressed that i went there without realising at times that i did not eat or drink. After leaving i swear i could of collapsed on the ground...i think i nearly did once.
There is one thing that kept me going though when my friends were not there. Music. Music can be powerful thing, to keep you going at times of great need. Its purpose is not just there to keep you entertained. The music i listened too really expressed how i was feeling at the time, i still listen to it now, i enjoyed it, and it kept me sane.
I got to the stage that i made the ones close to me, a time that they could not bare. I was getting paranoid, i was getting obsessive as well as needy. I was getting obsessive with trust and other things. I was acting demanding, wanting something that should not be asked for. I felt that no one cared for me. I felt that i was always being used. Used and just left. I felt that my friends did not care about me, did not try, and did not even give a shit about me.
I started feeling that it was my fault (not what i was doing then, but and overall general statement), do i drive people away from with out realising. I still cared for them though, even with all the problems that was going around.
I remember the one day i pushed the boundaries of my closest friend. I pushed my friend over the edge that he had to lie to me about being busy. I decided to just occupy myself by just driving out to the shops. My mind was affected in so many areas, one of them that i was forgetting the simplest things such as putting my hand brake on in my car, then wondering why my car was rolling backwards.
While driving i was just questioning everything, about my life, my friends. I even got onto the subject of suicide, that thought did not last long though...3 seconds. Laughed about it really. Wandered around the shops really until i realised i was getting really dizzy from lack of food. Before i went home, i just drove around, random places, eventually going past my friends house which where i found out he was home, not busy as he said. I was really upset that he lied to me. Eventually i got home at god knows what time.
I eventually talked to him, only via email though. Stating how i felt, what i was going through, and apolgising as well for spying in the first place. I was really in a bad place.
I guess that is where you could say where that friendship spiraled down to the pits. Going back into college, we did not even speak to each other. One being angry, lonely, depressed about everything. The other being scared to say a single word.
At home, parents complained about me no longer spending time with them. I simply ignored and stayed alone in my room. Talking to parents is an impossible task. You want to talk to the people you want to talk to, not to the ones you have to talk to. Blood ties...does not work in my world.
Things got worse and worse that i asked help from the most unlikely people, but it never worked out. I tried to get those people who i cared about most who i lost, out of my mind. Trying my best to hate them to make it easier to forget. To help block it out, to forget, to ease the pain. To try bring myself up again.
Things moved on, i had to talk to the friend in college simply because we had work to get on with. So we tried to keep at it and not get feelings get in the way. During the end of college, things seem to be looking good between us, well i thought they were. Till i was disappointed yet again. At that point, i think we both just gave up in the end. No more college, no more friend.
During the summer, I just worked, day in day out. See the little people i had left who lived miles and miles away from me. Having break down after break down, still not sleeping well, not eating properly, still not happy. Many plans were made to do something with these people, all failed, one after the other. Of no fault of my own or theirs, just outside factors which caused the plans to be cancelled. I was let down every day. I remember when i was on the phone to my friend who had plans with. I was in tears, having another break down and was still at work during the call. He was calling because he had to let me down again. Whole summer, and nothing accomplished.
I ended up using people, family relatives to try and keep my happy. None of it worked really. Moved past my family, they may be my age but we grown so far apart over the years that we do not say a word. They could not replace the friends that were busy and the ones that i once had.
Time moved on, I pretty much moved back to how i was in the past. Playing games all the time. Finding new online people to talk too. Listening to music, the one thing that kept me happy. The one thing that my friends left me behind.... good music.
Few months on and we hit the point where my depression was gone but i was not happy still. Down to one friend, see him once in a while. Luckily, I was in University so i had something to keep my mind occupied and not think about the past, the hurt. I think i pretty much closed myself off to people again. Was afraid to say a word, afraid to put myself out there. Afraid to be hurt again.
November...I remembered it was my friend, the friend who i made in college, the friend who i made turn away from me, the friend who i tried to hate after all this time to help ease the pain...i remembered it was soon to be his birthday. The reasons i cannot remember, i was awake late at night, it was after 12am and it became his birthday. I do not know why i did it, after all this time, after 4 months, i sent him an email, a simple email wishing him a happy birthday and a few other things. So glad i did...
...Few days later he replied. We started talking. Tried to forget the past. Took things slow.... to this day, I like to think we are very good friends. We still have issues now and again, but we are good friends nonetheless.
2008.... worst year of my life. The year of hurt. The year of nearly destroying myself. The year i want to forget. The memory i want to disappear...
Someone close to me told me that memories such as these should not be forgotten. Not to be blocked out in my mind, which was a technique, i perfected through my experiences of life. Why? Because these memories will come back to haunt you. To this day, I am somewhat happy. I am in a worst position as i was last year with friends, with only 2.5 friends (.5 being the friend who i care about but is never there due to distance and studies). Though i lost more then i fought to gain, the friendship i have with these people is stronger then it was before. To these people, i owe my life. I care for them more then anything and will do what i can to be there for them as they tried to be for me. You may have many friends, but how many friends do you have, that you trust with you life, who will be there whenever they can, friends you can be serious with and have a great laugh with...
...It does still haunt me. I fear every day that something will go wrong, that something will get messed up and i will fall back down. Because of fear, i start latching on again. I try my hardest to be dependent but when you get stuck in a loop of trying to be alone and not be able to be alone...its very difficult. Each day is a battle, to keep sanity, to keep my friends, to not let the pressure of work to get the better of me. Each day is a battle to not give in. Each day is a battle to not take the easy option and hide it all and not give up on hope. Each day is a battle, but I have those close to me to count on.
Through experiences we learn, we learn for the worst, but also the better. Better being there is always hope for the future.
Tags: depression, friends, family, college, life,
Have you ever thought no one cared about you?
Have you ever gone through the whole day without eating a single bite and not realising?
Have you ever sat up at night, crying? And not being able to stop?
Depression is a horrible thing...especially when you never get over it.
Year 2008, i would say is a year i always want to forget but never can, with so many bad experiences in my life this is one the worst that nearly destroyed me. There was not a single cause of it, because there were so many affecting issues. Some new, some old. Building up a series of issues to push me over the edge to nearly losing myself forever.
I am not an out going person, reason being the way i was brought up. Always in the house, parents always working, making friends here and there but soon disappear...so soon. Moving from a place where I had friends, friends i actually liked, to a place where I could not make a single one. Any thing that happens in life always impacts you in one form or another. I lived roughly 10 miles away from my Secondary School (High School) so when it comes to hanging out with friends who lived closer to the school, it was impossible. At the end of the second year at the school, i changed schools to start my third year at one closer to home.
I am a very shy person, so when going in the first day, i never really said a word. Bad move really...with how the school worked, kids just thought i was any old student, not the new guy. So no one really bothered with me. My confidence were shot really. I was to shy, to afraid to talk anyone. I spent most of my lunch breaks just wandering around the place, in circles.
I did make some friends though, if you could call them friends that is. I bounced from one group of kids to another, all of them dicks but i would only stick to them to just have someone i could hang out with, to have a friend(s) to survive being at school. I hated them all really. Always ridiculed, always getting stabbed in the back from people i thought were better then that. You would think that is what kids usually do at school. You are right in thinking that, but its worse to have it happen when you got no one at all.
I got to the point where i just kept everything to myself. Never saying a word to anyone else. Never going out because...well i did not have anyone to go out with. I stayed home every night, playing games online, talking in online communities.... talking to anyone, just to fill that empty void of being social.
Six years after starting that school, i started college. First year, i was still the same. Still kept things to myself but still talking to the people around there. Mostly helping them with their work. Nothing more, nothing less. It was not until the second year I actually made a friend. At first it was just a friend who i would help with their work. I would like to say this was the only friend that actually decided to take an interest in me, always talking to, always contacting me. Made me smile all the time.
After a few months of getting to know him, i decide it was a good idea to actually do something outside of college. We did, watch a film at the cinema and we enjoyed ourselves. That is basically when we started out friendship.
Problem was, this was the first time i had true friend, and because of my past, I latched on over time. Became dependent on them and needy, all without realising.
When friends were not there, i always felt alone not knowing what to do with myself. But i kept going. Because i was going out more and liked it, i did not want to stop. I decided to get back with a few old friends i had (not any i met in school) and started to enjoy myself with them as well. But these friends just felt like acquaintances at the time but I made do.
Problem was, i was still feeling alone because at most times i could not do a thing with anyone, either they didn't want to see me or were to busy with other friends or things. I had a problem with having a few friends but none of them knowing each other. Some times it's difficult to find something to do with only two people.
As time went on, i felt worse and worse, not being able to cope on my own but still moving forward. As well as going through this, i was having issues with family too, but that is not something i would like to go into at this point in time. Though, one disagreement with work/family related issues made things worse.
My mind is a wonderful place, my memory is even better. The exact cause of me falling has been blurred out in my mind but the how long that will be blurred, i do not know. But as time moved on during that year, i was pushing people to their limits without realising. Pushing those i found close to me to their limits. Putting so much pressure that they could not cope at all.
I lost many friends in the past, both good and bad, but it was only this time, mainly because of my age now, and how i got these friends that i took it really badly. After losing a friend or two, apparently to no fault of my own, i just felt even more worse, pushing those who i had left even more.
You could say that true friends would be there no matter what, but that's not always the case. There is only so much people can take till they run in the other direction. Till they jump ship as you begin to sink.
Before it got to that stage, i was falling deeper and deeper. I had great difficulty sleeping, i could not eat. Because i was not eating, i felt dizzy and out of place. I was even crying night after night and not being able to stop until i fell asleep. I tried to keep myself occupied, i went to the gym to forget my troubles. Problem was that i was feeling so depressed that i went there without realising at times that i did not eat or drink. After leaving i swear i could of collapsed on the ground...i think i nearly did once.
There is one thing that kept me going though when my friends were not there. Music. Music can be powerful thing, to keep you going at times of great need. Its purpose is not just there to keep you entertained. The music i listened too really expressed how i was feeling at the time, i still listen to it now, i enjoyed it, and it kept me sane.
I got to the stage that i made the ones close to me, a time that they could not bare. I was getting paranoid, i was getting obsessive as well as needy. I was getting obsessive with trust and other things. I was acting demanding, wanting something that should not be asked for. I felt that no one cared for me. I felt that i was always being used. Used and just left. I felt that my friends did not care about me, did not try, and did not even give a shit about me.
I started feeling that it was my fault (not what i was doing then, but and overall general statement), do i drive people away from with out realising. I still cared for them though, even with all the problems that was going around.
I remember the one day i pushed the boundaries of my closest friend. I pushed my friend over the edge that he had to lie to me about being busy. I decided to just occupy myself by just driving out to the shops. My mind was affected in so many areas, one of them that i was forgetting the simplest things such as putting my hand brake on in my car, then wondering why my car was rolling backwards.
While driving i was just questioning everything, about my life, my friends. I even got onto the subject of suicide, that thought did not last long though...3 seconds. Laughed about it really. Wandered around the shops really until i realised i was getting really dizzy from lack of food. Before i went home, i just drove around, random places, eventually going past my friends house which where i found out he was home, not busy as he said. I was really upset that he lied to me. Eventually i got home at god knows what time.
I eventually talked to him, only via email though. Stating how i felt, what i was going through, and apolgising as well for spying in the first place. I was really in a bad place.
I guess that is where you could say where that friendship spiraled down to the pits. Going back into college, we did not even speak to each other. One being angry, lonely, depressed about everything. The other being scared to say a single word.
At home, parents complained about me no longer spending time with them. I simply ignored and stayed alone in my room. Talking to parents is an impossible task. You want to talk to the people you want to talk to, not to the ones you have to talk to. Blood ties...does not work in my world.
Things got worse and worse that i asked help from the most unlikely people, but it never worked out. I tried to get those people who i cared about most who i lost, out of my mind. Trying my best to hate them to make it easier to forget. To help block it out, to forget, to ease the pain. To try bring myself up again.
Things moved on, i had to talk to the friend in college simply because we had work to get on with. So we tried to keep at it and not get feelings get in the way. During the end of college, things seem to be looking good between us, well i thought they were. Till i was disappointed yet again. At that point, i think we both just gave up in the end. No more college, no more friend.
During the summer, I just worked, day in day out. See the little people i had left who lived miles and miles away from me. Having break down after break down, still not sleeping well, not eating properly, still not happy. Many plans were made to do something with these people, all failed, one after the other. Of no fault of my own or theirs, just outside factors which caused the plans to be cancelled. I was let down every day. I remember when i was on the phone to my friend who had plans with. I was in tears, having another break down and was still at work during the call. He was calling because he had to let me down again. Whole summer, and nothing accomplished.
I ended up using people, family relatives to try and keep my happy. None of it worked really. Moved past my family, they may be my age but we grown so far apart over the years that we do not say a word. They could not replace the friends that were busy and the ones that i once had.
Time moved on, I pretty much moved back to how i was in the past. Playing games all the time. Finding new online people to talk too. Listening to music, the one thing that kept me happy. The one thing that my friends left me behind.... good music.
Few months on and we hit the point where my depression was gone but i was not happy still. Down to one friend, see him once in a while. Luckily, I was in University so i had something to keep my mind occupied and not think about the past, the hurt. I think i pretty much closed myself off to people again. Was afraid to say a word, afraid to put myself out there. Afraid to be hurt again.
November...I remembered it was my friend, the friend who i made in college, the friend who i made turn away from me, the friend who i tried to hate after all this time to help ease the pain...i remembered it was soon to be his birthday. The reasons i cannot remember, i was awake late at night, it was after 12am and it became his birthday. I do not know why i did it, after all this time, after 4 months, i sent him an email, a simple email wishing him a happy birthday and a few other things. So glad i did...
...Few days later he replied. We started talking. Tried to forget the past. Took things slow.... to this day, I like to think we are very good friends. We still have issues now and again, but we are good friends nonetheless.
2008.... worst year of my life. The year of hurt. The year of nearly destroying myself. The year i want to forget. The memory i want to disappear...
Someone close to me told me that memories such as these should not be forgotten. Not to be blocked out in my mind, which was a technique, i perfected through my experiences of life. Why? Because these memories will come back to haunt you. To this day, I am somewhat happy. I am in a worst position as i was last year with friends, with only 2.5 friends (.5 being the friend who i care about but is never there due to distance and studies). Though i lost more then i fought to gain, the friendship i have with these people is stronger then it was before. To these people, i owe my life. I care for them more then anything and will do what i can to be there for them as they tried to be for me. You may have many friends, but how many friends do you have, that you trust with you life, who will be there whenever they can, friends you can be serious with and have a great laugh with...
...It does still haunt me. I fear every day that something will go wrong, that something will get messed up and i will fall back down. Because of fear, i start latching on again. I try my hardest to be dependent but when you get stuck in a loop of trying to be alone and not be able to be alone...its very difficult. Each day is a battle, to keep sanity, to keep my friends, to not let the pressure of work to get the better of me. Each day is a battle to not give in. Each day is a battle to not take the easy option and hide it all and not give up on hope. Each day is a battle, but I have those close to me to count on.
Through experiences we learn, we learn for the worst, but also the better. Better being there is always hope for the future.
Tags: depression, friends, family, college, life,
Woah.
*Hugs recklessmind*