Two Friends
"F*** you!"
The two stood on top of a cliff on a surprisingly warm yet breezy late night that was nearing into the new day. The waves crashed onto the rocks below giving a soothing, relaxing touch to the atmosphere.
"F*** you, why are you doing this?", shouts John, "after everything I said the other night as well, I don't expect you to change yourself just like that, but you are screwing with my emotions here." Matt gives off a sigh, "What do you want me to say? There is nothing to say." John then moved closer to Matt and swiftly knocked him into the grassy area atop of the cliff. John being weaker, used his weight and jumped on top of Matt to keep him down but as he struggled, John grabbed his arms and forcibly pinned him down.
"Get the hell off me!", shouted Matt as he struggled to get his friend off him. "I swear to god Matt, if you keep moving, if you don't listen to me then I will knee you in the balls". Matt stopped struggling.
"What's wrong with you man? I said to you the other day about how you live your life, how you just sit there and let the world pass you by is not right. You said its how you are, how you always have been but that is just you giving up and I do not want you to give up."
Matt didn't say a word, not being able to move he just looked away from John. "Matt, the way you are, you know it yourself you do not like how you are, but you are too stubborn to change or let anyone else into your mind to help you. How you are as a person, effects the people around you, it affects your mum, your sister. It affects me. It affects them in such a way that people give up on you."
Johns eyes glistened as they were about to shed a tear, he turned his head away from Matt to hide his emotional state and tried to speak once again. "You affect me a great deal, but when ever you screw up and hide away, it kills me off a little bit inside. And when you do that frequently by allowing me to get close to you again, to allow me to think everything is cool like, you swiftly take it all away from me again, leaving me in such a bad state".
Matt stayed silent, having the chance to look to the night sky, staring at the stars and the clouds as they drift by. "I done so much for you without realising Matt because I care about you loads, I always tried to be there for you. I was there when you were struggling with work, I was there when you were having women trouble, i was there when you were having issues with your other friends. I was even there to help ease your mind when you thought you were losing the women that you loved, the woman that you talked about loads about, and I would listened too. I was even there when that bitch broke your heart."
"I been always there for you at the expense of my own well being, at the expense of my family, my studies, my overall well being like staying up with you till 5am in the morning just talking to you to calm you down. even though I had a 9am start."
"I am not knocking on what you have done for, because its these good things that you have done for me that makes me consider you as my best friend. You have been the only person I met that actually took any notice to me, you showed me there was more to this world then the inside of my bedroom. You let me get close to you, to let me open up to you, you are the only person who truly knows anything about me. You make me laugh so much, you know just know how to do it right and with all these things, I just felt so safe around you, so comfortable, so relaxed, when I am with you i just forget that all the bad things out there that exist, which maybe why it makes talking to you even more easier. Its even because of you, I took the step with my other friend and do more with them."
"It's all these things that allowed me to have those feelings, the feelings that I did not ask for, the feelings about you, about what I felt for you as in more then just a friend. I always knew these feelings could never be acted on so I always fought them, instead of what I wanted because I loved you too much as a friend to mess anything up. But then I always ended up fighting in my own mind, worrying, destroying myself inside. Just thanks to you with how you been these feelings have either been suppressed further deep into my mind or are being slowly destroyed as you tear my heart into pieces each time you screw with my emotions as a friend."
"There is no way in hell that you value our friendship as much as me even after everything we been through together. You told me yourself you were just 'using me' when we first met, but I am sure if that has moved a lot further then that or not. We are both at a disadvantage with friends, with everything in life. With everything you told me I know I am a better friend then what your friends of the past have treated you, you have to agree with me on that. So why don't you trust me? Why don't you talk to me as much any more? Why do you insist on hiding from everyone and blame me for you hiding even more when I try and help as a friend?"
Matt said quietly, "This is just how I am."
John, as quickly as possible let go of one of Matts wrists and slapped him across the face, grabbed his wrist again and shouted, "F***ing hell Matt!" Matt began to struggle again, but John tried with all his might to keep him pinned now. "This is what I am talking about you dick, you are giving up still, saying that to my face just after everything I just said about you, about life, about everyone around you including me! You cannot do this, why can't you do this just for me? To try and not to hide, to help yourself do better, to have a better life with the people around you, maybe not have the amazing life but just to have a life that is better so that people will gladly be still around for."
"Why must I change for others?" said Matt. "God sake Matt, listen to me please, look at your life, who have you got left around you? I envy you so much, you had the chance of such a great life, you had a decent family, you had many more friends then I ever did yet you had that flaw that you still have right now. You f*** things up, you drive people away by staying so reserved, by hiding, by getting so scared to you hide even more and f*** up even more!", John carried on shouting.
"Maybe those people were right about us all that time ago, maybe I should of just left things between us and moved on as they suggested, saying that you were not worth it. But I could not do it, you meant the world to me and having you back made me so much happier, it made life worth living. And with all the shit you are throwing at me, even you said I was mad to be friends with you, it really makes me think do you even want to be friends with me? Do you even know me? Answer me this, why do you think I am friends with you? Why am I f***ing friends with you Matt?!?!"
John, still in tears let go of his friends wrists and rolled off beside him and stared at the night sky. Watching the clouds go by, listening to the sea below them.
"Why can't I hate you?", whispered John.
This is a conversation that never happened but should of happened. When thinking about this before starting to write, there was a lot of emotion involved but when I got round to writing this, a lot of that was lost with a few things missing as well.
It sucks to be stuck with a friend who is so reserved, so hidden from you, you does not acknowledge you and to then have them threaten to hide even more when you try to talk or even help them...
I will probably expand on this later after I get some rest.
Tags: friends, fighting, life,
The two stood on top of a cliff on a surprisingly warm yet breezy late night that was nearing into the new day. The waves crashed onto the rocks below giving a soothing, relaxing touch to the atmosphere.
"F*** you, why are you doing this?", shouts John, "after everything I said the other night as well, I don't expect you to change yourself just like that, but you are screwing with my emotions here." Matt gives off a sigh, "What do you want me to say? There is nothing to say." John then moved closer to Matt and swiftly knocked him into the grassy area atop of the cliff. John being weaker, used his weight and jumped on top of Matt to keep him down but as he struggled, John grabbed his arms and forcibly pinned him down.
"Get the hell off me!", shouted Matt as he struggled to get his friend off him. "I swear to god Matt, if you keep moving, if you don't listen to me then I will knee you in the balls". Matt stopped struggling.
"What's wrong with you man? I said to you the other day about how you live your life, how you just sit there and let the world pass you by is not right. You said its how you are, how you always have been but that is just you giving up and I do not want you to give up."
Matt didn't say a word, not being able to move he just looked away from John. "Matt, the way you are, you know it yourself you do not like how you are, but you are too stubborn to change or let anyone else into your mind to help you. How you are as a person, effects the people around you, it affects your mum, your sister. It affects me. It affects them in such a way that people give up on you."
Johns eyes glistened as they were about to shed a tear, he turned his head away from Matt to hide his emotional state and tried to speak once again. "You affect me a great deal, but when ever you screw up and hide away, it kills me off a little bit inside. And when you do that frequently by allowing me to get close to you again, to allow me to think everything is cool like, you swiftly take it all away from me again, leaving me in such a bad state".
Matt stayed silent, having the chance to look to the night sky, staring at the stars and the clouds as they drift by. "I done so much for you without realising Matt because I care about you loads, I always tried to be there for you. I was there when you were struggling with work, I was there when you were having women trouble, i was there when you were having issues with your other friends. I was even there to help ease your mind when you thought you were losing the women that you loved, the woman that you talked about loads about, and I would listened too. I was even there when that bitch broke your heart."
"I been always there for you at the expense of my own well being, at the expense of my family, my studies, my overall well being like staying up with you till 5am in the morning just talking to you to calm you down. even though I had a 9am start."
"I am not knocking on what you have done for, because its these good things that you have done for me that makes me consider you as my best friend. You have been the only person I met that actually took any notice to me, you showed me there was more to this world then the inside of my bedroom. You let me get close to you, to let me open up to you, you are the only person who truly knows anything about me. You make me laugh so much, you know just know how to do it right and with all these things, I just felt so safe around you, so comfortable, so relaxed, when I am with you i just forget that all the bad things out there that exist, which maybe why it makes talking to you even more easier. Its even because of you, I took the step with my other friend and do more with them."
"It's all these things that allowed me to have those feelings, the feelings that I did not ask for, the feelings about you, about what I felt for you as in more then just a friend. I always knew these feelings could never be acted on so I always fought them, instead of what I wanted because I loved you too much as a friend to mess anything up. But then I always ended up fighting in my own mind, worrying, destroying myself inside. Just thanks to you with how you been these feelings have either been suppressed further deep into my mind or are being slowly destroyed as you tear my heart into pieces each time you screw with my emotions as a friend."
"There is no way in hell that you value our friendship as much as me even after everything we been through together. You told me yourself you were just 'using me' when we first met, but I am sure if that has moved a lot further then that or not. We are both at a disadvantage with friends, with everything in life. With everything you told me I know I am a better friend then what your friends of the past have treated you, you have to agree with me on that. So why don't you trust me? Why don't you talk to me as much any more? Why do you insist on hiding from everyone and blame me for you hiding even more when I try and help as a friend?"
Matt said quietly, "This is just how I am."
John, as quickly as possible let go of one of Matts wrists and slapped him across the face, grabbed his wrist again and shouted, "F***ing hell Matt!" Matt began to struggle again, but John tried with all his might to keep him pinned now. "This is what I am talking about you dick, you are giving up still, saying that to my face just after everything I just said about you, about life, about everyone around you including me! You cannot do this, why can't you do this just for me? To try and not to hide, to help yourself do better, to have a better life with the people around you, maybe not have the amazing life but just to have a life that is better so that people will gladly be still around for."
"Why must I change for others?" said Matt. "God sake Matt, listen to me please, look at your life, who have you got left around you? I envy you so much, you had the chance of such a great life, you had a decent family, you had many more friends then I ever did yet you had that flaw that you still have right now. You f*** things up, you drive people away by staying so reserved, by hiding, by getting so scared to you hide even more and f*** up even more!", John carried on shouting.
"Maybe those people were right about us all that time ago, maybe I should of just left things between us and moved on as they suggested, saying that you were not worth it. But I could not do it, you meant the world to me and having you back made me so much happier, it made life worth living. And with all the shit you are throwing at me, even you said I was mad to be friends with you, it really makes me think do you even want to be friends with me? Do you even know me? Answer me this, why do you think I am friends with you? Why am I f***ing friends with you Matt?!?!"
John, still in tears let go of his friends wrists and rolled off beside him and stared at the night sky. Watching the clouds go by, listening to the sea below them.
"Why can't I hate you?", whispered John.
This is a conversation that never happened but should of happened. When thinking about this before starting to write, there was a lot of emotion involved but when I got round to writing this, a lot of that was lost with a few things missing as well.
It sucks to be stuck with a friend who is so reserved, so hidden from you, you does not acknowledge you and to then have them threaten to hide even more when you try to talk or even help them...
I will probably expand on this later after I get some rest.
Tags: friends, fighting, life,
that sucks man :(